Top five dinner party disasters

You've run out of clean glasses, someone's spilt red wine over your cream carpet and you don't have any chairs left: how dinner parties can go so very wrong.

Dinner parties are often the best way to entertain, especially since the mood isn’t forcibly dictated by closing hours or by the formality of a restaurant. There’s no waiters to tip, no neatly-hidden pricey hurdles and no bill to argue over. Home-dining, however, comes with its own potential disasters, here are mine.

5 The unfortunate seat

It’s hard to argue with a host: if you’re placed in a seat which leaves you with few conversation options other than with a dull/over-critical guest who spits while they eat, well, there’s not much you can do.

There’s nothing appealing about walking towards your allocated table spot and dreading the two hours ahead of you. Worse still, it’s tempting to wonder whether someone’s purposely placed you next to a difficult person in an attempt to keep them away from others.

Is there a solution to this problem? Apart from exacting equal revenge when it’s your turn to reciprocate, probably not.

4 Things you don't like

There are some things I really don’t like to see on a plate: pineapple, melon, raisins, prunes, dates and apple pie. Granted, I ought to grow up and grow out of these pet-hates, but they’re almost impossible to begin to like at a dinner party.

I’ve often found myself tucking into something I thought was one thing, say a Pig in its Blanket, only to realise - mid-chew - that in fact I am eating a Devil on Horseback – an altogether very different canapé. Trying to keep a straight face in these situations, I find, is very hard.

Have you ever found yourself putting on your best grimace-concealing-smile in order to pretend that what you’re eating is in fact one of your favourite things? Chances are you’re not alone. Look up at others the next time plates come from the kitchen’s hatch, and try and spot those who are quietly dying inside.

3 Not having enough of something

Sometimes there aren’t enough glasses, chairs or – embarrassingly – wine. But isn’t it so annoying when you’re not given enough food? As a host, it can be galling to find yourself with less grub than you may have thought your recipe was going to provide. But as a diner, being given a measly portion of shepherd’s pie and a dash of mushy carrots as a side, can be disappointing – to you and your rumbling stomach.

2 Spilling drinks

Have you ever spilt some of your wine, gravy and/or coffee on a carpet and desperately hoped that no one notices? I’ve often covered stains with my foot and ashamedly, I’m sure I can remember once pretending to come across a carpet blemish (that I had caused) and blaming it on someone else.

As a host, stains can be equally difficult. What happens, for example, when you have to feign indifference to the red blotch of wine that your friend’s young child has just splashed onto your new sofa? If ever there were a smile to smile through gritted teeth, that would be it.   

1 Hide the packet

I’ve often wandered up into friends’ kitchens while they’re cooking me a home-made meal, only to spot a jar or two of something on the counter that they’ve suggested they had been making all afternoon with their own hands. Who is more embarrassed – you or them?

How many of you can honestly say that crushing one’s own olives is easier than buying a ready-made tapenade paste from the corner shop? Even as an Italian, I have to admit that limited time often means I buy my pesto instead of making it.  

There are many dinner party disaster potentials to list. Cooking a carnivorous meal and then finding a guest has brought a vegetarian friend along, or even, realising that two of the people you’ve asked around are – without your knowledge – former lovers… are just two examples. And what about the friend you’ve invited despite their torrid cold, who proceeds to double-dip their tortilla chips into communal dips and sauces?

What are your dinner-party disasters?

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