Ten gifts I DON'T want in my Christmas stocking
It's ungrateful, I know, but here's a list of gifts this fussy food-lover would rather not find under her tree on Christmas morning
One
Glasses - particularly the huge ones that don’t fit in the dishwasher. I will make an exception for Baccarat crystal but otherwise, I’ve got enough glasses, thank you.
Two
Wine openers, stoppers, chillers and associated paraphernalia. Especially not a ‘stunning’ wine bottle coaster ‘lovingly crafted from genuine oak timbers reclaimed from Nelson’s flagship HMS Victory’. Not even with a copper wine-stopper, presentation box and certificate of provenance. If you are generous enough to spend £77 on me, I would prefer a £77 bottle of wine. Or a case thereof.
Three
His and Hers chefs’ toques, or any kind of novelty kitchen-wear such as a rude apron or How Clean Is Your House Kim’s, elbow-length, washing-up gloves.
Four
A festive hamper because as Lovefood.com’s Sophie Morris points out in Finest Foodie Gifts, mixed hampers inevitably contain items you don’t like or need such as a plum pudding, iced fruit cake block and Christmas tea or coffee. The hamper I’d prefer comes from Melton Mowbray and includes a large pork pie, a Melton Hunt Cake and a Stilton.
Five
A gourmet gift set. That selection pack of fig, beer and garlic mustard you brought me back from Germany is still languishing in the cupboard. And speaking of gourmet gift selections, I’d rather have one pot of your homemade jam, chutney or marmalade than nine miniature jars containing two thimblefuls each.
Six
Chef’s blow torch. We won’t use it 99 days out of 100 and the grill works just as well.
Seven
Ornamental spice rack display. Haven’t got room on my counter. Have most of the spices already. How long have those herbs and spices been sitting in the shop?
Eight
Olive oil and balsamic vinegar appreciation set. Have lost count of the number of olive oil drizzlers and little saucers I’ve taken to Oxfam over the years.
Nine
A smoothie maker. If God had intended us to have smoothie makers, He wouldn’t have invented liquidisers.
Ten
Beribboned Mummy’s Yummies Kilner jar filled with the dry ingredients needed to make cranberry flapjack, arranged artistically in layers for £11.50. I’ve got flour and sugar already, thanks.
But please give me these
A gift voucher for Fortnum & Mason, Selfridges, John Lewis or Marks and Spencer so I can choose a treat for myself. A book voucher so I can buy the cookbook I really want. Chocolate Bath Olivers, Forman’s smoked salmon and Gentleman’s Relish are always welcome.
What about you? What do you want and not want for Christmas?
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