Millions want to flee recession-hit Britain, but they're wrong, says Harvey Jones.
I hope you like leaving dos, because you can expect to be attending quite a few over the next few years.
An astonishing 11 million people are planning to quit recession-hit Britain to work overseas, according to a new survey by Foreign Currency Direct.
Well, that should make your commute a bit easier, unless you are thinking of joining them of course.
The exodus could even be greater. According to a rival survey by currency specialist FC Exchange, 60% of us are considering emigrating, in other words, more than 36 million people.
Australia, France, Portugal and South Africa are the top destinations. I hope they have room, and plenty of spare jobs.
Abandon ship!
Of course, these figures are mostly PR fluff, but the thought has undoubtedly gripped our collective noggins that Britain is doomed and we have to flee overseas to find work.
How silly.
After years of unsustainable debt-fuelled bounty, the going gets a bit tough and what happens? The tough go away. And you can forget all that noble guff about women and children first, because according to Foreign Currency Direct, men are twice as keen to jump ship as women.
Now I'm all for a bit of travel and adventure, and in fact I've lived for long spells in Norway myself, and it was very nice.
But I'm worried this is yet another variation of the escapist nonsense we have indulged in for the past decade.
Now the public and private spending bonanza is finally over and the bill has hit our doormat, do we want to face up to reality? No, we prefer to indulge in the escapist fantasy of flight.
Duh, it's a global recession
Would-be expats also ignore the reality that this has been a global recession. Other countries have sunk even lower, without the entire population rushing to the lifeboats.
Take Spain. I love the country, and any expat will tell you the quality of life over there is so much better. But I'm not sure the 17.4% of Spaniards who can't find work will agree.
That's triple the UK figure, currently 6.5%. Imagine the wailing and sulking if our jobless rate trebled. We are also comfortably below the eurozone unemployment average of 8.9%.
Isn't the US the land of opportunity? Tell that to the 8.5% without work, who don't have our health and social benefits. Some of them live in tents.
Even job-hungry Britons' favourite destination, Australia, has seen unemployment leap to 5.7%, and climbing.
And what about those unemployed Brits in Dubai who can't pay their mortgage and come running home before they are jailed for debt? Not so smug now.
It's not all beaches and barbies
So if you are thinking of relocating, set your illusions aside. Life is tough out there as well. At first, it is likely to be tougher.
You may have to apply for visas and work permits, transfer your assets, ship out your belongings, find a property, arrange a bank account, utilities and insurance, get your head around the local health and pensions systems, find a job, make friends and settle in.
And if you're transferring money from the UK, you will have to grit your teeth and accept a lousy exchange rate, or hang on in the hope it gets better.
I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, trying a new culture can be thrilling, just go into it with your eyes open.
Frozen in time
If you're retiring, you can come seriously unstuck. Pensioners in seven of the top 12 most popular expat destinations will have their pension frozen - for life, accordingly to Alliance & Leicester.
It is grossly unfair, but the UK government won't uprate your pension if you retire to expat faves New Zealand, Canada, South Africa, Dubai, Australia, Hong Kong and Singapore.
The basic weekly pension 20 years ago was £43.60 for a single person and £69.80 for a couple. Imagine trying to live on that now, with no hope of an increase. And have you seen the price of a pint of milk in Hong Kong? £2.16. Ouch.
Unless you're rich, you should stick to the remaining five popular expat destinations, America, Italy, Portugal, Spain and France, where your pension will be uprated.
But be careful where you build your dream €300,000 Spanish villa, in case the local planning department retrospectively declares it illegal and tears it down before your eyes, then bills you for the bulldozer.
Our MPs may be corrupt and local government inefficient, but others are much worse.
You will miss the pubs
Living abroad taught me two things about the UK. First, it's brilliant! The pubs are unbeatable. And the people are so polite, always saying sorry, excuse me, thank you. London is a city beyond compare, as is the exquisite countryside.
There are so many little courtesies that you only notice as a visitor. Motorists give you a little wave if you pull over to let them pass in a narrow road. Young people stand up on the tube to let old folks sit down (they do, just ask my Mum). The policemen are polite and helpful, and only occasionally shoot innocent Brazilians or bash G8 protestors.
And when the sun comes out, it's such a treat that everybody comments on it, if only to grumble that it's too hot.
Some things you affect to despise when you live in the UK you pine for when you move abroad. Like Tesco superstores. Try spending six months shopping in tiny, over-priced, badly laid out Norwegian "supermarkets", and the Tesco retail experience will whip you into a frothing frenzy of consumerist glee.
Britannia Rules OK!
And the second thing I learned about the UK? The British absolutely love running it down, and claiming everywhere else is better. We're going through an intensive bout of it at the moment.
But they're wrong, it's great. I had to leave the country to understand that. And believe it or not, we still have jobs here, and house prices haven't fallen as far as in the US, Spain or Dubai, and might even be starting to recover.
Norway has fjords, snow, empty roads, 99% literacy and has just walked Eurovision, but it still can't compete with home.
So there is one advantage of moving abroad, you might discover that Britain isn't quite so hopeless after all.
We might even have you back, if you ask nicely.
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