We asked Debrett's etiquette expert Jo Bryant for her top 12 tips to avoid any potential festive family feuds.
The festive season all too often strains good manners to the limit. Everyone is expected to behave well on this much-hyped special day, but claustrophobic family get-togethers and over-indulgence can easily lead to tension, cross words and disharmony. Follow these simple rules to avoid a Christmas Day crisis.
1. Don’t be a Scrooge, approach the day with an unerring smile, an optimistic outlook and positive feelings of goodwill. Remember, it’s only one day out of 365!
2. If you’re the Christmas host, beware the tendency to fetishise your own Christmas rituals (“We always go to midnight mass, open our presents at 11am, eat our lunch at 2pm” etc.). Try and make tentative suggestions (“We normally eat at 2pm, is that OK with you?") rather than confident pronouncements, so that your guests don’t feel like they’re being frog-marched through a time-honoured routine.
3. Grandparents and members of the older generation, even if they’re doting, will soon begin to wilt if they’re cooped up for hours on end with raucous, over-excited children. Always try and provide a quiet space, where the grown-ups can retreat for a restorative drink and civilised conversation.
4. Christmas is a special day for small children and you should do your best to accommodate their excitement. Don’t inflict agonisingly long meals on them – they’ll be anxious to get back to their presents, and you don’t want to feel frazzled by unhappy kids.
5. Pace the day. Spread out the main events (present-opening, lunch, games, TV) to ensure there aren’t too many hiatuses.
6. Always react with surprise and delight, no matter what you’ve been given. Lack of taste is regrettable but it’s not a criminal offence, so you can take the time to be gracious and thankful.
7. Lay on generous supplies of champagne or sparkling wine. Glasses can be dispensed throughout the day when spirits are flagging.
8. If you’re in the panic-stricken last stages of lunch preparation, don’t be a martyr. You might need somebody to help with some pre-emptive washing up or table-laying, so just ask. Most guests will leap to their feet, delighted to have something constructive to do.
9. If you’re a Christmas guest, be punctual and arrive laden with goodies. Offer to help, know when to get out of the kitchen, and be flexible and accommodating.
10. Go with the flow. Whether it’s charades or Cluedo, a wintery walk or the afternoon film, it’s good manners to muck in. Remember, it’s only a day or two…
11. Ban mobile phones from the lunch table. Christmas is all about conviviality, and conversation, and a tableful of screen-fixated guests will instantly extinguish any Christmas spirit. Of course, phones are invaluable for Christmas catch-ups, festive texts and photo-sharing, but make sure that your guests keep their digital communications to themselves.
12. Don’t demand too much of yourself, your family or your guests. Building up your expectations of the day to dizzy heights will mean that mishaps and misunderstandings (however minor) are blown up out of all proportion – and that’s not what Christmas is about.
And finally...
Letters of thanks for hospitality and presents should be sent promptly and preferably received by the second week of January.
What are your top tips for avoiding Christmas rows, strops, and sulks? Or have you got a particular bad example to share with us? Talk to us in the comments box below.
Debrett's Netiquette, a Debrett's Pocket Book, is a definitive guide to digital dilemmas and how to deal with them. Debrett's Netiquette is for anyone who uses modern technology, from teenagers to grandparents. Packed with quotes, facts, historical information and etiquette advice, humour, wit and expert knowledge combine with a clever and eye-catching design to create a distinctive book that's ideal as a Christmas gift.
Jo Bryant is a London-based etiquette advisor for Debrett’s, the UK’s modern authority on all matters of manners and behaviour. Debrett’s, one of the oldest publishers in the world, is today’s leading authority on modern behaviour and style.
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