There are only so many bloated stomachs a gal can take. What's causing this discomfort? In a bid to find out, I took a food intolerance test. Here are the results.
One little needle
Why would I be pricking myself in the bathroom? Well, because YorkTest Laboratories had kindly sent me a ‘Food&DrinkScan’ through the post (a £299 test which 'analyses your IgG antibody reactions to more than 158 different food and drink ingredients’), and in order to get those results, you have to send a little of your blood first class to York.
In all seriousness, the stab didn’t hurt that much; I was being a bit of a baby. My younger sister Elise, who also took the test, was in and out of the bathroom in minutes… but she’s training to be a dentist, and is therefore used to inflicting pain. A week later from that traumatic day, we both got our food intolerance test results through the post…
The results
Me: cow’s milk, acai berry, hemp, sesame seed, yeast. Coffee and Pinot Grigio also register, but on a lower scale.
But acai berry, hemp and sesame seed? I never knew about those. They’re pretty middle class food intolerances – how shall I ever enjoy an acai berry smoothie again, or a hemp chocolate brownie, or a sesame seed garnish? And switching from Pinot Grigio wine to Chardonnay will be a bore.
Yeast, however, is a genuine problem. I love bread. Real bread, that is, made from simple ingredients and sold fresh. I’ve tried to ignore it, but I do tend to feel bloated and lethargic after eating bread… maybe I should switch to yeast-free versions? Biona do a couple, but I’m not sure I fancy millet bread and pumpernickel every week.
My sister Elise: cow’s milk, yeast, wheat.
As for the wheat intolerance, that’s very inconvenient. Wheat is an essential component in so many foods, including all pastries, cakes, breads, beer, cereal, ice cream, some meats, soups… it can change your life, if the intolerance is severe. Luckily Elise’s was only 2 on the scale.
Testing the results
Me: purposefully eat the things I’m intolerant to.
One day, on the day that the winner of London’s best loaf was announced, I ate mainly bread (at least the equivalent of a small loaf) and drank mainly milky coffee. By the end of it my stomach had ballooned to near-double its size, and the coffee had given me a banging headache and dodgy tummy. The consequences of the coffee far outweighed the consequences of the bread, but quite clearly I am intolerant to both.
A couple of days later I tried to test the sesame seed intolerance with a couple of Sesame Snaps. I enjoyed them and, a few hours down the line, felt no effects. Perhaps you have to eat sesame seeds in extreme amounts to provoke a reaction? The acai berry juice drink did, however, give me a stomach ache within half an hour, and I’m afraid I couldn’t find any hemp to experiment with.
My sister Elise: avoid all the foods she’s intolerant to.
This is what she said at the end of the week: “I feel like I’ve got more energy, I haven’t had a stomach ache in seven days (which is very rare for me) and I haven’t even touched my secret stash of Gaviscon! Cutting out cheese was hugely effective – I think my dairy intolerance builds up, until my poor tummy can’t take it anymore. So it would be fine to eat cheese for one day, but not ok to eat it two days running.”
Elise has since continued in her quest to eat less yeast and dairy, although she refuses to cut out chocolate profiteroles. I have scrapped cow’s milk altogether, and have promised not to go on any mad Pinot Grigio binges. I don’t think the acai berry, sesame seed and hemp thing will affect me too much, but I am sad about my aversion to yeast.
Have you ever taken a food intolerance test? Is there anything which you think you’re allergic to? Or do you think it’s all a load of baloney, and everybody should eat everything? Talk to us in the comments box below.
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